“Our marriage is just fine. I don’t know what he’s on about. He should be grateful he’s married to someone like me. After everything I’ve done for him!”
“Sure, we have our problems, just like every other couple. But it’s nothing to get freaked out about. We don’t need couples counseling. The only reason I agreed was to get her off my back.”
Marriage is a lot harder than it used to be?
Have nothing to say to each other? Rarely sleep together anymore?
Surely that’s normal. All couples run out of things to say. No one really likes each other after ten years of marriage.
We love each other. Really. And if we don’t get along sometimes, well, does anyone?
That attitude has a name:
Denial.
And it’s why one partner can be so blindsided when the other asks for divorce.
I understand denial intimately. It’s helped me get through a lot of hard times. 🙂
Once, I went trail running in the mountains with a girlfriend. It was dark, and on the way back I stumbled and went down on one knee … right into a rock.
I kneeled in the mud, fighting off a wave of dizziness. My friend stopped and asked me how I was.
“Fine!” I said. “Just give me a minute.”
I was embarrassed. I could feel blood soaking into my sock. But I didn’t want to admit I was hurt. We were still a few miles out, and neither of us had a phone to call for help.
By denying that I was hurt, I was able to get back on my feet and run back home. Even then, I refused to look at my knee; I didn’t want to know how bad it was. I took a shower, covered it up with a bandage, and carried on with my evening.
To this day, you can still see the scar. I should have got stitches. But I didn’t know I needed stitches, because I wouldn’t look at it.
The worse the wound, the less anyone wants to look at it.
By denying that there’s anything wrong, you can force yourself to keep going.
It gives you an odd sort of strength. It enables to you to carry on, perform at work, maintain the illusion that everything’s okay, and not break down. You don’t have time to deal with problems like this.
Because if you stop and look at where you’re wounded…
You’ll have to face the fact that something’s really wrong. The sight might horrify you. Normal life will end in that moment.
And you’ll have a HUGE mess on your hands to sort through.
No one wants to do it. But you have to.
Because the wound will get worse without attention. Sadly, not looking at something doesn’t make it disappear.
