Over a decade ago, I sat down with fellow relationship expert Andrew Rusbatch to write what would become one of my most popular books of all time, Save My Marriage Today.
Save My Marriage Today was already an established brand. I was brought on board to create a completely new course that would help struggling couples get back on the path to love and commitment.
It was an awesome responsibility. After all, not even scientists and counselors have been able to create a foolproof roadmap to a long-lasting marriage, although many have tried. Dr. John Gottman says that it’s about the ratio of negative interactions to positive interactions. Dr. Harville Hendrix says it’s about healing one another from childhood wounds. Dr. Phil says it’s about common sense.
Why do couples still struggle, if there’s so much good advice out there? Is it because they’re not listening?
Or is it just that reading can’t help a situation that’s gone from bad to worse?
The pain of a collapsing marriage is right up there with the death of a loved one. It destroys you.
Your marriage is the one thing that’s meant to sustain you through hard times. It’s not supposed to create those hard times.
Your spouse is the one person who’s supposed to be with you always and forever, your best friend, the one you can talk to about anything. You’re not supposed to feel lonely and shut out.
You and your spouse are supposed to be on the same team, working together, supporting one another in your goals. You’re not supposed to be enemies who hurt each other.
It’s unfair. It’s monstrously cruel. And no words can make it right.
Although my name is on the cover, Save My Marriage Today isn’t just by me. It was developed as a collaborative effort between me and my friend and colleague, Andrew Rusbatch.
Andrew had been doing email consultations for years. Like me, he began studying what makes relationships work back in 2005. We poured over the emails we’d received from couples in crisis.
We realized the way many couples reacted to problems in their marriage actually made things worse.
When the one person you’ve ever loved tells you that they no longer wants to be with you, you do go a little crazy. You’re desperate. You react out of fear. And what you do drives them away even further.
Andrew and I envisioned our course as an oxygen mask: put it on, breathe deeply, breathe again … and feel your head start to clear. You start to see the patterns beneath the pain. You start to see what your spouse really wants.
And you start to put things right in your own life, because you finally understand that you have the power to change your relationship…
Not by convincing your spouse to give your marriage a second chance … but by changing yourself.
The key to the Save My Marriage Today system is the exercises.
Each chapter concludes with a series of exercises. You can do them on your own or with a partner. They’re crucial to the effectiveness of the course, because thinking about your marriage won’t get you very far. You’ve got to embody your new realizations.
Doing the exercises not only takes commitment but also the willingness to see differently. You start to see what’s been really going on in your marriage. The story you tell about your life together shifts. Your worldview begins to open up.
Any change in what you say and what you do sends a clear signal to your spouse. The winds of change are afoot. The marriage your spouse wanted to leave was the marriage you had, the one that never changed. Now that you’ve changed, what is possible?
The effectiveness of the Save My Marriage Today program comes down to you. Are you willing to let go of who you were, so that you can step into a place of possibility?
Remember that the person your spouse wants to leave is the OLD you … the person you’ve been for so many years.
When you let go of that persona and step into a new place, your spouse notices instantly. They look at you and think, “This isn’t the same person I remember.” In that moment, a gap of uncertainty will open up. That gap makes miracles possible.
In response to the issues raised in his consultations, Andrew decided to write a second book: Save My Marriage Today! Book 2 – For Marriages in Extreme Crisis. This book includes advice for couples who’ve already separated or begun divorce proceedings, couples who are so far estranged that they can barely talk to each other anymore. This book is included free in the Save My Marriage Today Members Area.
If you’re ready to take ownership of your struggling marriage, then head on over to the Save My Marriage Today website to learn more.